It hurts when the people you expect to nurture you end up being the ones who try to break you.

As young Black women, so many of us carry stories of being judged, compared, or dismissed by older women who could’ve poured into us with love and wisdom. Instead of being protected, we’re often picked apart. Instead of being guided, we’re criticized.

And let’s be real. It cuts deep. Because deep down, you want to believe that older women in your community will see your potential and help water it. That they’ll take your hand, share their experiences, and remind you that you can survive anything. But too often, we meet jealousy, bitterness, or plain disregard.

This is the cycle no one wants to talk about.
Some older women grew up without support, without healing, without the chance to see what real sisterhood looks like. Instead of breaking the chain, some of them pass the pain forward. That doesn’t make it right, but it shows us why it repeats.

The silence around this issue only cuts the wound deeper. Young women get stuck in shame, thinking we must have done something wrong. But the truth is: we didn’t deserve to be torn down. We deserved guidance. We deserved care. We deserved community.

So, let’s open the conversation. Not to bash, not to divide; but to shine a light on the truth and start breaking the cycle. We need spaces where younger women can share their experiences without fear. And we need older women who are willing to do the work of healing so they can finally give what they may have never received.

Because until we address this, we’ll keep repeating the same harm generation after generation. And I don’t know about you, but I want better for all of us.

For the Elders: Turning Jealousy Into Legacy

We know life hasn’t been easy for many of our older sisters, aunties, and mothers. Some of you grew up in times where opportunities were scarce, where you were told to shrink yourselves, or where nobody ever poured into you. That hurt is real, but it doesn’t have to keep repeating. Younger women don’t need your jealousy. We need your wisdom!

Here are some gentle but real ways to shift from competition to contribution:

1. Self-Reflection
Instead of seeing a younger woman’s confidence as a threat, ask yourself: “What part of me wishes I had that freedom at her age?” That question isn’t about blame. It’s about healing. If you can name where your envy comes from, you can begin to release it.

2. Share Wisdom, Not Wounds
It’s natural to want to warn the next generation about the struggles you faced. But there’s a difference between guiding someone and projecting bitterness onto them. Pass down your lessons without handing over your scars. Say, “Here’s what helped me survive,” instead of, “Ya’ll young girls ain’t good for nothing but laying on your backa nd pushing out babies.”

3. Do the Healing Work
Cycles of jealousy and competition don’t break on their own. They take effort. Whether that’s therapy, journaling, prayer, or honest sister circles where women can tell the truth without shame. Healing is the work of courage. And when you do that work, your legacy shifts from tearing down to lifting up.

You have the power to rewrite how the next generation experiences you. The choice is yours: will you be remembered as the one who dimmed lights, or the one who helped them shine brighter?

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For Younger Women

Understand It’s Not About You. Jealousy, criticism, or shade is a reflection of their wounds, not your worth.

When an older woman lashes out, criticizes your choices, or tries to dim your light, it’s easy to assume you must have done something wrong. That’s the trap. The truth is, most of the time their reaction isn’t even about you. It’s about the trauma they never healed from. The chances they didn’t get or take, the love they didn’t receive, or the doors that were slammed in their faces.

But here’s the thing: their unhealed wounds are not yours to carry.

• You can acknowledge their hurt without making it your burden.
• You don’t have to shrink yourself to make them comfortable.
• You don’t have to explain yourself until you’re exhausted, hoping they’ll eventually “get it.”

When you take on someone else’s bitterness, you’re dragging weight that was never yours to begin with. And that weight will slow you down in ways that are unfair to you. Don’t carry the weight of someone else’s unhealed pain. You deserve to move freely.

Your responsibility is to heal your own heart, chase your own dreams, and build the life you want. Not to fix the pain someone else refuses to face.

Respond Without Losing Yourself

Not every jab deserves your energy. Sometimes the shade is so subtle that calling it out would only lead to more drama. In those moments, silence is your power. The best clapback can be no reaction at all, because you’re showing them they don’t have the control to shake your peace.

But when the criticism is direct, you have choices too. You don’t have to yell, match their tone, or let them bait you into a scene. A calm response like, “Thank you for sharing, but I’m going to keep doing what works for me,” can shut down the negativity without you lowering yourself.

The goal isn’t to win an argument, it’s to protect your energy. Arguments designed to strip your confidence are traps, and once you step into them, you’ve already fed the energy vampire. Stand firm, respond if you need to, but always on your terms.

Every time you choose peace over pettiness, you remind yourself (and them) that your worth isn’t up for debate.

Use Boundaries as Armor

• It’s okay to spend less time around people who make you feel small, even if they’re family.
• Boundaries aren’t disrespect, they’re protection.

In our community, we’re often taught that respecting elders means accepting whatever they say or do without question. But respect doesn’t mean sacrificing your peace. You don’t have to sit through constant criticism, shade, or backhanded comments just because it’s coming from someone older or related to you.

It’s okay to spend less time around people who make you feel small. Even if they’re family. Protecting your mental and emotional health is survival. Boundaries are how you say: “I love myself enough not to stay where I’m constantly being torn down.”

And here’s the truth: real love respects boundaries. A healthy elder, even if they don’t agree with you, won’t need to break you down to feel heard. If someone gets angry because you limit your time around them, that only proves the boundary was needed.

You can still honor your friends and your elders without giving them full access to you. Boundaries don’t mean cutting people off forever. They mean choosing when, how, and how much you let people in. That’s not disrespect or you miving funny. That’s YOU time, and there’s nothing wrong with.

Find Your Healthy Mirrors

The truth is, not every elder is going to be your safe place, and that’s okay. You don’t have to keep going back to the same well expecting water when all it gives you is dust. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with women who hype you up, celebrate your wins, and remind you that you are not “too much.”

Healthy mirrors reflect your light back at you. They clap when you win, they encourage you when you fall, and they see your potential without trying to dim it. Sometimes that mirror isn’t an auntie, grandma, or even your mama. Sometimes it’s a best friend, a co-worker, a teacher, or a sister-circle you build for yourself.

Mentorship doesn’t have to come from blood.

• It can come from the older woman in your church/spiritual community who always checks on you.
• It can come from books written by women who’ve walked through what you’re facing.
• It can even come from your peers. Friends who are figuring it out right alongside you but are committed to growth, not competition.

The point is, you don’t have to stay where you’re torn down just because it’s “family.” Family is bigger than blood; it’s the people who feed your spirit and want to see you do good in all that you do.

🌸 You Are Not the Problem 🌸

If an elder lashes out, it can cut in ways that stick with you for years. Sometimes it’s not even the words. It’s the tone, the looks, or the constant nitpicking that makes you question yourself. And if you’ve been through that more than once, your mind starts to whisper: “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I really am doing too much.”

But listen. You are not the problem. Their reaction doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means they haven’t healed. You can’t keep shrinking to fit the small box someone else’s pain built for you.

Every time that thought creeps in, “I must’ve done something to deserve this,” stop and remind yourself:

• I’m not too much. I’m exactly enough.
• Their projections filled with jealousy is not my identity.
• Their pain is not mine to carry.
• I am not their punching bag! Respect me or miss me when I’m gone.

Healing means breaking the reflex to blame yourself for how others treat you. That’s a habit many of us learned young, but it’s not one you have to carry forever. When someone envies you, it says more about what they see in you than what’s missing in you.

So instead of wearing their pain like it’s your own, wear your confidence like armor. You deserve to shine without apology.

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